TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another area the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the challenge, replied, "You know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head seen from Place, a function currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It really is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Features


Perhaps the Trump Tower Damascus strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where company could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have turn-down assistance."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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